MOVIE REVIEW: Gone with the Wind (1939)

As I watched Gone with the Wind for the first time in my life, on the 150th anniversary of the Civil War, I decided to do a little something different than my traditional review. I'm going document what I'd been thinking the whole time during it's near-four-hour length since I'm feeling very ADD at the moment. Think of it as a mental audio commentary for anyone who's really familiar with the film. Needless to say, I was quite entertained -

OVERTURE - Oh great, a friggin' overture...oh wait! That was quick!

00:5:00 - Wow, acting has come a long way since 1939...

00:5:30 - I have no idea what the hell Mammy is saying...

00:7:00 - They weren't kidding when they told me this was Hollywood's biggest soap opera

00:10:00 - I've just realized: Vivien Leigh and her sisters are GORGEOUS! Good God...Natural beauty, wherefore art thou?

00:15:00 - So, apparently Scarlett O'Hara was the "Snooki" of her time? I guess acting glib in front of men was more scandalous than premarital sex.

00:25:00 - WOW! REALLY?! Before electrical fans there was...um...yeah...

00:26:00 - Don't worry Rhett, I can totally relate to being the loser in the room...

00:30:00 - Leslie Howard looks WAYYYY too old for his role...someone fire the makeup artist!

00:31:00 - ...I feel like I'm back in high school...

00:31:47 - Oooh, someone got TOLD!

00:33:00 - Craig Christ! Guys were THAT excited about going off to war? You'd think Abraham Lincoln was Cameron Diaz with the way they ran off like that!

00:34:00 - If it was that easy to get hitched back then, I'd be a married man by now!

00:35:00 - Pneumonia and measles...ick....

00:38:31 - The way they're dancing with those dresses, I'm surprised no one tripped...

00:39:01 - Shake it like a Polaroid picture.

00:39:36 - GREEN SCREEN! (did they have those back then? It sure looked like it!)

00:40:30 - Captain But-ler...I'm so immature...

00:43:00 - What the hell is this?! Prostitution? Civil War mail-order bride auctioning??

00:45:22 - Rhett Butler is THE man, that's a smooth operator, right there!

00:46:50 - The way Rhett is being so brutally honest, it's a good thing Scarlett didn't ask if her dress made her look fat (...she doesn't, quite honestly).

00:49:30 - Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaamnnnnnn...what a list...

00:51:34 - "The ants go marching, one by one, hurrah! hurrah!..."

00:52:57 - Scarlett is green with envy...get it?

00:53:55 - That's an inch and a half away from being a Charlie Brown Christmas tree...

00:58:25 - Ashley Wilkes is a player...

01:01:50 - I'M THE JUGGERNAUT, BITCH!

01:03:37 - No chlorophorm?...wow, that sucks...

01:05:13 - If I ran outside in that wildebeast stampede, I'd be sh*tting my pants, right then and there...

01:07:17 - Rhett Butler and his green screen horse-and-buggy to the rescue!

01:08:41 - I can't understand what Prissy is saying...I'm starting to notice an obscurely racist trend here that's taking me back to my Theatre History II class in college...

01:09:57 - The way this film portrays the treatment of slaves back then makes the South look like Disneyland...<sigh> theatrics. Why is Scarlett always hatin' on everyone?

01:18:32 - You know they're gonna show something not-kosher when the cameraman breaks out the silhouette lighting

01:19:00 - Rhett Butler - Pimp Daddy

1:20:21 - Prissy can't pack a trunk, even if her life depended on it.

01:23:23 - That's one BIG fire! Scarlett O'Hara would not survive a zombie invasion if she wanted to lock the front door THAT badly.

01:24:51 - Rhett should've invested in a six-shooter...

01:25:01 - Such...realistic fire...

01:27:32 - Us Yankees and our "...swaggerin' and boastin'", pretty much sums it up.

01:28:30 - RHETT'S JOINING THE ARMY! YOU'RE A MAN, NOW!

01:30:09 - In all seriousness, this scene is really beautiful. Wow...

01:31:52 - Oh, that lightning...wow, must suck being stuck under a bridge, but oh! Look at that rainbow! I'm having really bad ADD, can't you tell?

01:33:37 - Wow, them Yankees done messed up Twelve Oaks!

01:34:50 - They found a cow, how random...

01:35:45 - Tara sure is one tough egg...

01:37:30 - This is actually a pretty genuine shift from what was once a soap opera into a dark tragedy. Impressive...

01:43:16 - I really can't poke fun at this anymore, because Vivien Leigh's acting is pretty phenomenal right now.

INTERMISSION - Whew, finally some quiet music!

ENTR'ACTE - That is a fine-looking sunset, I'll say...

00:01:57 - SHERMAN! :-D

00:03:31 - This film is a slap-fest!...what the heck are darkies?? Sheesh...

00:06:15 - WOAH! That's gory, even by 1939 standards! Scarlett's gone from Snooki to Sarah Connor!

00:08:57 - Olivia de Havilland did a very bad job of hiding the fact she wasn't naked...

00:09:55 - After all that and you're still this spiteful Scarlett? For shame...Ahh! The carpetbaggers!

00:13:29 - You know, I'm glad I haven't seen any of the women parading in those bloomy-skirted 1860s dresses anymore

00:14:30 - Ashley lives, hmm...

00:19:47 - "Looove me, looove me, say that you loooooove me!"

00:22:17 - Oh, someone got TOLD! That's how you fight foreclosure in them days...oh but did you have to go that far Mr. O'Hara?? <sigh>

00:24:00 - ...I've got $300...oh wait, they're talking about 1860s dollar bills...

00:24:26 - Scarlett O'Hara apparently invented the Derelicte clothing line before Mugatu from "Zoolander"

00:25:00 - Well, the poofy dresses strike back, I guess...

00:28:31 - Her hands don't look THAT bad! Whine, whine, whine...

00:34:20 - Oh there she goes again...Cue "Golddigger" by Kanye West...

00:40:56 - ALL HAIL RHETT BUTLER! YOU TELL SCARLETT! YEAH!

00:42:29 - Oh, I was wondering what happened to her gun...Worst, fainting, ever...

00:50:02 - Partying like it's 1865...

00:52:53 - They did NOT have electric lamps back then; you can see that wire clear as daylight...

01:03:20 - Now THAT'S how you woo a woman!

01:06:05 - I think Scarlett O'Hara's just about committed all of the seven deadly sins in the past three hours

01:08:15 - I SWEAR TO GOD, IF I HEAR SCARLETT SAY "OH, RHETT!" ONE MORE TIME!...God, it's like Titanic all over again.

01:11:50 - When the hell did they have a kid?!

0:1:15:37 - RHETT SMASH!

01:22:30 - BUSTED!

01:38:20 - Wow, spoke too soon, Rhett...

01:43:52 - Oh boy, this doesn't look good...Oh God, really?! Poor Bonnie...

01:53:02 - So much death in this film, when did this suddenly become Hamlet?

01:58:15 -"Frankly My Dear, I Don't Give a Damn!" - TOLD!

02:00:29 - Oh my sweet Lord! It's over! EXIT MUSIC!

Now it may seem like I roasted it quite a bit. Admittedly, Gone with the Wind is a little dated in some aspects of production, but it's a fine piece of work. A classic, without a doubt.

9/10

Peace,
- Jon